The clutter on the table is getting out of hand

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I have a very embarrassing confession I’m going to reveal.

A few days ago, after around three whole years of owning my car, was the first day it was really cleaned - inside and out. Inside, it was terribly filthy. It even made me feel nauseous and a bit disgusted with myself to look at it but for some reason, I felt I couldn’t be bothered with it.

I always seemed to have more important matters at hand.

And my apartment? While I don’t like living in such a messy abode it often looks like a hurricane has stormed through. And yes, it will probably always look cluttered as it’s terribly small but not to this degree. Even though I live here, I admit, it’s far messier than anyone’s home should be.

Looking around, it bothers me greatly. Books, papers, clothes everywhere. And I know it’s just things not in their proper place but I feel like I’m suffocating in this mess. But, once again, I always have some excuse not to deal with it.

But I really have no good excuse to live like this. And it seems strange to me because I’m not even what someone would call a “dirty” or “sloppy” person. When it comes to my personal hygiene, I’m very meticulous with my “beauty routine” and shower up to three times a day.

So why do I continue to live feeling buried by the items I’ve collected over the years which now just collect dust?

Since washing my car, I’ve been ruminating on what this clutter in my life represents. The act of washing away the dirt on my vehicle felt so cleansing that I can’t help but wonder what has been holding me back from doing this relatively simple chore for so long. 

My mother always told me that a cluttered house is a cluttered mind and well, I think her words couldn’t ring more truthful in this situation.

The clutter in my life suffocates me. The physical mess actually makes my life feel cluttered. I can’t work on the projects I want to in order to move forward because this mess makes me feel paralyzed.

Looking around I wonder if I am holding onto something? Or is something still holding onto me?

Just prior to CCBB, I thought I was free. I thought I was ready for whatever the winds blew in my direction. I thought I was truly available for someone and for the intensity of a romantic relationship.

But this clutter is a physical representation of the fact that I still have things I need to deal with before I’m truly free. My past still clings to me. I’m still burdened by my past experiences with men. I still feel heavy with reminders of the girl I used to be; the girl who was overwhelmingly insecure, terrified of taking any positive risks even falling in love and feeling controlled by her addiction to food which had caused her to gain an incredible amount of weight over the years. At my heaviest, I weighed 225 pounds which literally felt suffocating on my 5′3″ frame.

Looking around my house, there are piles of a clothes that no longer fit me but that remind me that not too long ago I felt desperately out of control due to my pain and the way that I was just trying to fill some sort of void with food. Just a a couple years ago, the girl that wore these clothes that I’ve been trying to blossom from, would lie in bed at night unable to sleep because she was so terrified that one day she would wake up the 600 pound woman and be featured on some sort of sensationalized TV show to feature the modern day “Fat Lady” in the sideshow.

Also, in my humble abode, are tons of things. Just things. That I no longer want or even like but from childhood I have been a packrat. As a child I was terrified of getting rid of things because I felt like the moment I would get rid of it that would be the exact moment that I would need it. Whatever “it” may be. I felt certain that even some ugly vase or empty sea monkey aquarium would be desperately needed at some point in my future. My life philosophy up to about a year ago had always been “Better safe than sorry.” I just had to be prepared. I still feel this sense of constantly trying to be prepared. For life. But this has kept me from living in the past and I’m trying to toss the notion out that I must have something at hand to enjoy the moment.

So while this habit has carried over into my adult life it’s one I really want to move past. And it starts with not only cleaning my house but ridding it of these things.

But then there is emotional clutter. Baggage. I thought I had checked my baggage awhile ago but I realized that I still have matters that I need to come to terms with in regards to my ex-fiance. First of all, embarassingly, I have financial matters with my ex-fiance that I need to resolve. He still pays for my cell phone. And storage unit. There. I said it. Even though I didn’t want to admit this.

But more importantly, there are also emotional matters between my ex-fiance and I that need to be addressed. While I truly don’t want to date him ever again, there is still a large part of me that feels so obligated to him because of the years and love we shared.

I do still love him. And if I’m honest, I still feel heavy with the burden of guilt for leaving him last year. After all, he had made plans that included me for his whole life. And I thought I had done the same with him. And then very suddenly, over the course of three months, we went to happily living together to me moving out on my own. He had no choice in this matter and I know it left him broken hearted.

Now, I feel so responsible for his happiness because in him letting me have my freedom - my happiness - I caused him so much pain. In my heart, I feel I owe it to him to delay my happiness until he finds his.

When I began dating CCBB as thrilled as I was there was also a pain in my chest in knowing that I probably found such happiness before my ex-fiance has and that it was wrong of me. Just a few weeks ago - almost a year after we broke up - I honestly thought it was wrong of me to feel happy if my ex-fiance doesn’t.

I’ve already begun making amends in regards to this. A few days ago, I met him for coffee and begun having the conversation I have been avoiding since I have left. The conversation in which I acknowledge his loss. He told me how much I had hurt him. We actually acknowledged the fact that our relationship is truly over and that we’re glad to have the other still in our lives. We acknowledged that our lives will go on now as friends even though we first thought it would be in a different capacity.

Finally, in regards to emotional baggage, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling resolved about the DJ. But that’s for a different entry.

 The dust is settling after my breakup with CCBB and I’m seeing things a bit more clearly. In the past, I would have used this breakup as an excuse to jump back into the dating pool because that seemed like the only option and the only way to heal from the hurt. But because my like for CCBB is so deep and genuine but issues/timing are keeping us from each other, I took a step back and realized that I have not been as free or ready for entering a relationship as I thought I had been.

And now - although, I desperately wanted CCBB - I feel like it’s a second chance for me to heal and move forward that I need right now. I can point the finger at CCBB and say it’s all his fault for us not working out right now. That he was the only unavailable one. But if the physical space I occupy is any indicator, I’m still entangled with my past. I guess I’m more cluttered, more tangled up, than I thought I was.

Right now, I’m using this time as an opportunity for me.

Time. Time. It’s so sublime.

So I am going to go through my baggage - physical and emotional - and truly attempt to rid myself of those things that tie me to a past that I don’t want as my future. It’s time to clear out space for the new. The new me.

And a romantic partner. When I’m free. Available. I need to disentangle myself from these things before I can truly enter a relationship without coloring it to an unhealthy degree with my past. I don’t want to burden another with my baggage so I must rid myself of it. I really don’t need it. No longer do I want to be the girl who lives her life by the “better safe than sorry” philosophy. I want to be more adventurous.

It’s time for a spring cleaning in my soul.

Meat Puppets. “Climbing.” Meat Puppets II. Rykodisc USA, 1999.

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Filed under Baggage, Body Image, Change, Dysfunctional Family, Relationships, Single

Tags: Available, Breakup, Eating disorder, Life, Love, Spring cleaning