You got a fast car

The notion that women’s sexual experience may take away from their “marriageability” because of their previous “use” by other men was something I explored in my last entry. And then, while reading Feministing I came across this ad for used BMWs:

So just like the car because this woman’s partner would not be her “first” than she is then, by default, seen as “used.” She’s not even a used woman in this advertisement based on this ride. Since this ad suggests she is not a virgin then naturally, her lack of sexual purity, makes her nothing more than a used ride.

Such an advertisment makes it blantantly obvious that sexual double standards are still alive and that still to some men any sexual experience reduces nothing a woman down to nothing more than a used woman or a slut regardless of their sexual experiences. As a woman who is really trying to find her own voice as a full human being, sexuality and all, recognizing these double standards is incredibly disheartening but at the same time it does not do anything but make me even more determined to choose my own path in this world regardless of what as a woman I “should” be doing in others’ eyes.

Besides, I take comfort in knowing there people out there - male and female alike - who recognize such expectations of sexual inexperience and “purity” from women are unreasonable just as the pressures men hear to have as many partners as possible, regardless of their own desires are unreasonable.

Tracy Chapman. “Fast Car.” Tracy Chapman. Elektra, 1988.

Once a good girl goes bad we’re done forever

During my best friend’s wedding rehearsal in a Catholic church it struck me that for so long - and still today for so many - marriage is about, in part, finally making your sexuality socially acceptable and respectable.

As I stood inside those church walls my own Catholic upbringing and the way sexual shaming seemed to be the very foundation of my experience of religion flooded over me. I have been making immense efforts to honor my sexuality - my desires and my decisions when, how and with whom I choose to be sexual - but standing in this church confronted me with my past. I began to recall how in my life the church, my school (I attended Catholic school) and my family all harshly shamed “premarital” (as if this is just a temporary stage for all people) sex. These memories began to negatively affect me once again. 

I remember standing there feeling like a fallen woman. A used woman and wanton whore. And horror of all horrors - I felt unmarriageable even.

I stood there wondering if it was at all possible now that I’m no longer a pure “good girl” if a man would ever want to make a lifelong commitment to a “used” woman.

I know that at one point in my life a man has proposed marriage to me but to him, I was a “good girl.” When I was proposed to my ex-fiance had been my only “actual” sex partner. He often commented that he preferred that he was the only man who had ever taken a dip in my fragile flower (ok, he never said that but he may as well have). Of course, a man wanting to be your one and only sex partner regardless of his sexplorations prior to knowing you is a sexist double standard and hints at immense insecurity and unhealthy jealousy but I could not help wondering if more men than not would voice this same sentiment to their previously unsexed girlfriends and wives.

I mean, my best friend’s husband is her one and only. I do not know if he preferred that she was a virgin until him but one cannot help that think a lot of men would revel in this fact.

But then I have another friend that revealed in a hushed voice that she had had her fair share of sexplorations before meeting her fiance. This ended up being a total that is less than one can count on a single hand. So I wonder if her fiance would have cut off her marriageability at a higher number….

I am not saying all men have the notion that a woman is “used” up by her previous sexual encounters. I do not think the majority of men now expect their future wife will be a virgin when they meet but I still think a lot of men harbor an expectation of “sexual purity” (and to each person this definition differs) on some level from their future wife.

This made me wonder if any future romantic/sexual partners would be able to see me as being worthy of being their wife. Of course, I would not want to end up a man who felt my intentional and desired sexplorations somehow lessened me but at the moment of this thought that was not the point. I thought about how some people think that each sexual partner you have takes something from you that somehow is limited. Of course, on some level, I think all people we pursue something sexual with on some level probably take elements of us with them even if it’s just a memory but then again, we also take something as well. And whatever is being exchanged is not limited.

I remember a young woman who belonged to the Church of Latter-Day Saints that I was friendly with in college. She once told me that she was against premarital sex because, now lets pay attention everyone, our bodies and our souls are like oreos and if we engage in premarital sex other people get our “good stuff” - our cream filling (well, this much is true…) - and then for our future spouse we’re just two chocolate cookies because everyone else got our loving which in limited supply.

Well, I like to think my sexuality is infinitely more complex - and nourishing - than an oreo cookie. I find it very misguided to believe there is only a limited amount of sexuality and love one person can hold in their life. And anyway, my personal experience of my own female body has taught me that my “cookie” has an endless cream filling supply that can be replenished again and again (just like men’s supply - thank goodness)!

Exploring our sexuality really does not cheat our future partners of our love or our sexuality because these things really are not in limited supply. In fact, I think the more we explore and embrace our sexuality the more potential we have to give our partners what they would truly want sexually. And I’m not even discussing practice making perfect. I think the more we know how to find what we enjoy and how to use our sexual voice the better we can be at communicating with our partners in this language and through communication our sex lives can only be enriched.

“Good Girl Gone Bad.” Rihanna. Good Girl Gone Bad. Def Jam, 2007.

Those fingertips

One of the worst things about a breakup in my opinion is the loss of regular sex.

In my recent relationship, it was so blissful to have someone consistent (and skilled) to have sex with because when you’re single promising sexual encounters can be so few and far in between. I mean, yes, sex can find me but finding someone worth following up is quite rare in my opinion. Not having a consistent sexual partner can be frustrating because, let’s be honest, masturbation (although valuable) is sometimes simply not as satisfying as being sexual with another person who can take over the work of pleasuring you while you can just relax.

But then again, having a consistent sex partner in CCBB made me realize how frustrating my sex drive can be in other ways. I truly think sometimes my sex drive rules me.

I try to get a grip but I find I always slip on fingertips.

Although, I know this was definitely not the (complete) case, CCBB did “jokingly” accuse me of being primarily motivated by sex in our relationship. And to be honest, I think I was missing our sexual connection much more than our conversations. Truth be told, I think I was capable of being so patient with his bad moods and poor treatment of me because I knew if I bit my tongue than soon enough I would be experiencing mind-altering, mood-changing, heart-stopping sex.

When I was mourning my recent relationship’s end I think, in part, I was really mourning the loss of such great sex and the way it seemed in my mind I would never again have sex, let alone great sex, with someone new. But recently, my mood has shifted because it dawned on me that I truly will have great sex with another person again. After all, part of the amazing sex between he and I must have been because of my conscious explorations of my sexuality. The more comfortable I become in my skin as a sexual woman then the more enjoyment my body can experience.

But, the only difficult part of knowing that more amazing sex awaits me is being patient. I know patience is a virtue but it is not one I have ever possessed.

 Sometimes I feel it burning that deep and primal yearning. I try to live without it but then I think about it….those fingertips…..

If a more consistent connection is to be nurtured, I know it can be valuable to take sexual progression slowly but at times my sex drive rules me so much that I find myself engaging in far more sexual activities than I originally meant to just for the sake - and pleasure - of the sexual experience.

At times like these I do not even regret moving faster than I intended to because I truly felt I needed those fingertips at that moment far more than I needed to try to explore this other person and form a relationship with them.

But the more upsetting part of my sex drive is that sometimes I get to a point where I become less selective about a partner than I would like to be.

Anyone will do, anyone will do. Could be you.

I have a confession actually in regards to this: When I was “celibate” I relapsed one night because I was in such a sexually frenzied state (due to flirting with a man who makes me feel like a starving tiger eyeing a piece of raw steak because of my sexual attraction and not being able to go home with him because he too was celibate at the time). I was so sexually charged that I found myself in bed with a guy that never in a million years could I be attracted to not only physically but mentally. Sometimes, friends still mock me about this but I actually do not feel shame because at that time feeling those fingertips seemed a matter of survival to me.

Thinking on the more dangerous aspect of my sex drive is making me realize that I still really need to learn how to negotiate the way my journey of sexual exploration has awakened the incredibly sexual woman inside of me (who has once been called a “sex demon”) and the way I truly value my sexual energy and know it’s not mentally healthy for me to share it with just anyone.

“Fingertips.” Poe. Hello. Atlantic, 1995.

The look in your eyes

Fake fur. Fake smiles. Fake meat. Fake orgasms.

Some things can be faked obviously but others could never be no matter how much someone wanted to try.

One of these things that either exists truthfully or does not exist at all is that look of love that sometimes you see - and sometimes, magically, you get to experience - that two deeply in love people share. 

Unexpectedly, and with much sadness, I stumbled upon myself sharing such a look with my (well, actually, he is no longer mine) CCBB. I was viewing the pictures from my best friend’s impossibly beautiful wedding and the reception. I was just skipping through the photos enjoying them without any expectations when all of sudden I came across a picture of CCBB and I that I did not even know was in existence. When CCBB and I were photographed I truly could not see anything or anyone but him. This was always the case when I was with him and everything but he and I would fade to black.

CCBB and I were dancing, holding each other tight, staring deeply into each others’ eyes as if the other had all the answers to all the questions we would ever ask. We were both smiling calmly as if we were hearing those answers all at once.

I can see the way you’re looking back at me. Could it be that you see what you want to see?

A look so deep and filled with so much love, I know with my very core, could never be faked. I know when I view that picture that when CCBB told me he loved me that night for the very first time he meant it. And when I said those words back to him I know it was real. The truth of my love for him is evident on my face in this picture. Never before this picture have I seen myself looking as if I was overflowing with love for another.

But the breathtaking happiness we found in each other struck through me like a knife because although it could not have been more real or deep for us it was far too short-lived. It is strange to say this but really, in just the few months he and I dated I have loved him as deep as I have ever loved another. I knew from very early on that I loved him in the most selfless way I know how to love.

Logically, I know, we really did have to part but it hurts so badly to know that it was a matter of circumstance and not chemistry or compatibility. If love were truly enough for two people to make a long-term relationship last I know CCBB and I would be together for a very long time. …

I know we were in love. I will even say I truly believe we are still in love with each other despite the fact we are not currently speaking. Normally, it would be incredibly easy for me to dismiss the time I spent with another person and the feelings that were shared. Normally, it would be effortless for me to completely dismiss that this person actually cared/cares for me. I would usually just convince myself that for a short period of time I accidentally tricked this person into thinking I was worthwhile and interesting but as soon as they saw through me and realized there’s nothing here worth loving they moved on.

However, I know CCBB and I are spiritually connected. And based on my experiences, I cannot think of a deeper and more real connection than feeling your spirit is being awakened because of your knowing another person. And because of this connection, I know that everything we shared and said we feel for each other could not be more genuine. I know just because we cannot be together it does not mean we no longer feel those feelings for each other.

All this makes it all the more difficult to move forward.

My heart aches because I struggle to think how I can possibly move forward with others after I shared something so completely beautiful with him. It pains me to feel I will mourn our relationship for much longer than we even dated because at this point I truly do not know how anyone will ever compare to the way I felt with him.

Is it possible to have a love so strong nothing could ever compare?

“The Look.” Ryan Tedder.

I Love Sex (and Rock and Roll)

Sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I would venture to say that most of us have heard this expression at some point or another. And this expression while certainly very rooted in the 20th century seems almost timeless because it speaks to a very basic truth that some music inspires thought that comes strictly from below the belt.

Listening to great Rock and Roll music makes me feel raw and like nothing but my sexuality. This experience is heightened even more when listening to great live rock because as my body moves to the beat in a very primal way, I begin to sweat which makes me feel as if I’m literally dripping with sex.

Awhile ago, I saw Juliette and the Licks live in a small venue in my hometown. And let me tell you, if you haven’t heard them, you are in for a treat because they play quintessential rock and roll. So by my previous logic, that means they play quintessential effing music.

This here rock music makes me want to rock out with a cock out? Hah. But seriously, this music just makes me so randy…..And I’m sure I’m not alone. So download some of their music I suggest for a “rock and roll” effing sex playlist!

Now let the video for “Hot Kiss” rock you….

Wendy O. Williams. “I Love sex (and Rock and Roll).” W.O.W. Music for Nations, 1984.

All this rejection’s got me so low

One of the most constant, inevitable things in the dating world is rejection. Yours. Theirs. Small. Big.

Sometimes the rejection is totally unexpected such as a great date never being followed up on.

Sometimes the rejection is slow and gradual. And you can see it coming but you don’t know when exactly they’ll choose to drop the ball on you.

In High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, the main character, Rob says

“You know what’s the worst thing about being rejected? The lack of control. If I could only control the when and how of being dumped by somebody, then it wouldn’t seem as bad. But then, of course, it wouldn’t be rejection, would it? It would be by mutual consent. It would be musical differences. I would be leaving to pursue a solo career.”

And to me, I agree, that does seem to be the worst thing about rejection - the lack of control.

It’s not the lack of connection which really isn’t personal. Although, I still definitely struggle with accepting the truth that rejection is not personal. But it’s true even when it seems the rejection could not be more personal. Wait, let me explain! Lets say you are dating person “B” but they break things off with you because of your love for say bread pudding is something they find completely intolerable but it does not mean something was inherently wrong with you. It simply means person “B” was not a suitable person for you so ultimately, you weren’t deeply rejected - the connection was just “off.”

I know, I know. This is far easier to say than to accept but totally true.

The worst thing about rejection is also not the inevitable nature of relationships and the reality that most ultimately end as they were not meant to last a lifetime.

The worst thing about rejection is having absolutely zero say. When you are dating you are forming plans as to how they other person will be in your life in the future. But when you are rejected the other person decides when and why they end it and all your future plans are broken without any consent on your part.

This leaves you without a sense of control in your own life.

Sometimes, in an effort to claim some sort of control, I have contacted men I knew were trying to blow me off just to confirm I was being rejected (usually this confirmation came via lack of future contact but I wish people would just grow the eff up and end things civilly). The confirmation of my rejection - on some level, in some crazy way - gave me a sense of control.

No one likes to feel they lack control in their life. It’s very painful. I think even ending things civilly by communicating with the person that you feel things have run their course would give them a lot more sense of control in their rejection. They would feel more resolved about it.

When you’re on the rejecting end, it is very hard to actually tell the person you don’t want to see them anymore. I have definitely been guilty of just not returning calls until the other person gets the idea. I haven’t done it that much but enough to feel a quick stab of guilt when thinking of this subject.

My most pathetic story of not having the cojones to reject someone who was interested in me involved me at the age of nineteen having my own mother get on the phone and tell them I would like them to stop calling me!

Eek! That’s embarrassing.

I think we all have done the rejecting in a cowardly way at sometime but being on the receiving end of such behavior should give us enough resolve to never do that to someone in the future. After all, there is the golden rule that we should do unto others as we would have done to us!

“Self Esteem.” Offspring. Smash. Epitaph, 1994.

Your best day could be apocalypse

I frequently read the Dating Confessions on Nerve.

And then one day, one struck me with it’s poignant beauty and insight.

It read:

“I wish we could sleep on my roof and watch the city burn; fuck with the peace of the apocalypse around us, and the simple nihilistic truth that in love, all that matters is your body against mine.”

And isn’t that the truth that when you are truly in love nothing seems to matter in this world except for you and your love in that glorious moment you possess each other….

“First Straw.” 311. Greatest Hits ‘93-’03. Volcano/Zomba, 2004.

I’m losing my favourite game

Or rather I lost it.

But in reality, it wasn’t even a game for me. I was really trying to date, love and support CCBB. I knew logically I couldn’t “fix him up” but in a way I felt somehow because I could so relate to his pain I would magically be able to heal him.

It probably sounds silly but I had thought that after this past year I had gone through so much conscious self improvement that I would be able to not only continue to heal myself but my love would be able to wash away all of CCBB’s pain.

I only know what I’ve been working for - another you so I could love you more. I really thought that I could take you there. But my experiment is not getting us anywhere. 

But in reality, I cannot do this and this powerlessness over another person was costing me so much.

I had a vision I could turn you right - a stupid mission and a lethal fight. I should have seen it when my hope was new. My heart is black, my body is blue.

My CCBB had a serious case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with me and of course, I know, this was not personal. I know it was about him being unable to address his issues and simultaneously support another person but it was really devastating me.

When he was being kind and nurturing towards me I really felt so elated and certain of our connection but when he was in his ambivalent-towards-me-and-life-in-general mode it killed me. His treatment of me brought up age-old insecurities of mine. It seemed to reinforce my belief that no one I feel passionate about will ever find me worthy of the same love and affection I’m so willing to give.

This belief arose from a tumultuous childhood where many people that should’ve protected me and nurtured me ended up treating me as if my life and my love do not matter and that I am only an instrument to be used for an end result whether it be to resolve an argument by scapegoating me or by deeper abuse for their own selfish desires.

Ultimately, I really did not want to let him go. After all, when I broke up with him the first time it was torture. I couldn’t sleep for two weeks. Honestly, I am shocked I didn’t die in some fatal car crash due to extreme sleep deprivation during those weeks.

However, now, I know with my heart of hearts that this is what we must do. This time when he says he is incapable of being in a relationship - and his actions scream this very message - I am going to accept it. I feel much more accepting of this now that I realize how important it is for us to no longer be intimately entangled. I know this is a step he must take. And honestly, it’s one I must take as well I truly believe. It does not feel one-sided which adds to my feelings of acceptance.

Additionally, I know that ending this is about self-love which must exist first before any relationship will last that is both happy and healthy. I know CCBB loves me as much as he possibly can right now but when you are not capable of loving yourself then the love you can show and give to another will always be lacking. And in a way, I think it drains you even further. I know by CCBB leaving he is showing himself much love because trying to love me was detracting from any love he could feel for himself at this point in a way, I think.

This is about CCBB’s self love. And I hope he finds himself and the beauty I see in that self sooner than later. I really do but I can no longer assume responsibility. It was an artificial responsibility anyway. Besides, I know someone that I find so beautiful will tap into their good eventually. I know it. I just hope for his peace because I know that although it may be slow coming it does come if we seek it.

This is also about my own self love which I am still very consciously addressing. It has been so natural for me to deny myself over the years. Trying to be calm, healthy and supportive for the both of us was taking away my sense of security and stability and I realize that because of my childhood it feels more natural to revisit a relationship that makes me feel this way. However, I no longer want to deny myself of the love and support I really know is so natural and human to need.

I was also putting far too much pressure on myself to be good for CCBB. In this song, Nina Persson sings I’m losing my baby. You’re losing a saviour and a saint. But I’m not a savior and I’m surely no saint. I’m just a girl - who is really trying to find herself as a woman - who is trying to find her place in this world. I am trying to find where I belong and with whom.

Basically, I’m just me. Just human with all the glory and flaws that comes with that. And while I really struggle with the idea of being “enough” as well as the concept of my own strength I must accept in this case not only is it ok that I am not “strong enough” to fix him, it is healthy and right to accept that I will never be able to change another person for them. I must accept that I can never be strong enough to heal another person. They must do that work on their own so this is no reflection on my own inner strength as it their process not mine. I have my own for which I am proving strong.

Of course, I’m very sad (but not unresolved) and there are things I will greatly miss about him and our growing relationship.

Sometimes, when our bodies were near it felt like they were meant to be next to each other. It really felt as if the divine powers that be were glad that we are finally near each other. I will greatly miss our incredibly strong spiritual/sexual connection because I know how rare such a connection can be and it was beautiful to say so much to him about my love for him without even speaking. 

But just as this song says this is not a case of lust. There is so much more between us than our electric sexual connection. I know this in the way we became so emotionally naked with each other so quickly. I know this in the way we found sweet comfort in just being near each other without being sexual. Around him, I experienced feelings I have never felt before.

And because of these strong emotions of love it is only right I not only let him go but I wish him well in this process. In my loving him by letting him be on his own I hope he is continuing to find love for himself. I know in letting him go, I am loving myself as well because denying my needs in order to try to only nourish his was devastating me emotionally.

So with this sort of love, ultimately, I don’t think we have to think of this as complete loss. I don’t care to even humor ideas of ever dating him again because I see no benefit in this as CCBB really won’t be ready for a relationship for much much longer and I can’t promise I would ever be in the same space as him. I am not putting my life on hold - as I did when he and I first broke up - in the hopes of him because this is his process and I cannot decide, obviously, when he is ready. But I know that with such love eventually we can be great friends and amazing support for each other. And I look forward to our loving each other in this way when we are ready. 

Author’s note: I have loved this song since the very first time my ears picked up on its catchy, upbeat melody and thought provoking lyrics and yet it initially greatly pained me that I can now relate so much to the lyrics of this song. And with this pain, just like the video depicts, it is challenging for me to resist old self-destructive urges. However, at this point in my life I know that my feelings of unloveability will be continued to revisited as long as I hurt myself in reaction to others so I will no longer deal with challenges by abandoning myself.

In the end it’s always me alone.

While I may be alone or “single,” I really don’t want this to seem like a punishment anymore. I can be a friend to myself. Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely or isolated. It’s all about framing I’m starting to realize.

You’re the storm

Relationships are work. This is an obvious reality for anyone in a romantic relationship but it is so easy to forget when you are single. After all, the dating world can be a hard place to navigate and in that situation the perceived security of a more constant relationship seems like it would feel like a permanent holiday.

The reality that melding your life with another’s is not easy breezy is currently confronting me with CCBB. While I am not one to shy away from effort or hard work for something I want and believe in I honestly don’t know what is an acceptable amount of work or disagreement in a relationship. I really have no clue what is a healthy or “normal” level of drama between two people. I have no models to turn to in my life of what a healthy relationship looks like.

But really I think a ”healthy and happy” relationship looks different for different people. I mean, my best friend and her new-husband for example pretty much never argue but they are both very happy people and they both have models of good happy marriages. My best friend’s parents are still happily married after almost 30 years.

On the other hand, I’m a complicated and often times conflicted person. I view myself as very passionate about anything I choose to invest my time, love, and energy into whether that be my writing or my relationships.

I like the sweet life and the silence but it’s the storm I believe in.

And perhaps because of my passionate personality, a large part of me really believes that when you have two people who feel passionate about each other some level of conflict will exist simply as a result of all that passion.

And maybe, with CCBB, some conflict is inevitable.

After all, I’m a stormy girl who can go to extremes. I get hurt easily and can lash out (although I think I really control this side of me as I mature). I may have some thunder storms and yet, I know when the sun comes out I’m incredibly joyful and fun to be around.

And like I mentioned before that I feel CCBB and I are truly cut from the same cloth. I feel so much similarity and connection between our souls. Yes, our personalities may be different but I think our deepest selves are so alike.

And so while there is much joy and beauty from our similarity it also means he is also stormy.

In all honesty, I don’t think CCBB and I have that much conflict where an outsider would be surprised or shocked but any conflict after a lifetime of experiencing unhealthy and incredibly unhappy relationships both in my family and romantic life feels unbearable sometimes.

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do when conflict does arise.

My normal routine would be to exaggerate the drama - my feelings, my perception of their feelings and behavior - and make the argument much more than the topic at hand. In my life, when conflict arose, I always found a way to make the issue all about me and my pain.

But with CCBB, I try to go to that old routine and yet it feels uncomfortable because in all honesty, I have more patience with him than I’ve ever felt towards another person.

And to be perfectly honestly, my usual confrontation style is not effective with him. The way CCBB argues with me or rather the way he doesn’t drives me crazy.

My normal confrontation style consists of some yelling and long drawn out conversations. But during these moments, CCBB simply walks away from me.

Truth be told, I can’t tell if by walking away and not letting the fight escalate (as I can be determined to do) is him showing me he cares in a way. After all, at this point, when I’m hurt and tired and he’s drunk and tired nothing can be accomplished but hurtful exchanges.

But to be honest, him walking away feels infinitely more painful than him yelling back I think. I try not to see it this way but sometimes, it sends the message he really just doesn’t care enough to argue with me.

But despite the pain his argument style causes me I cannot help but feel quick to forgive him in my heart. I just can’t tell though if my desire to make peace with him (even when I truly feel he was very wrong) means I must really love him more than he loves me.

I can’t tell if I’m being brave by wanting to weather the storm or being weak by wanting to be the peacemaker when I was not the one who initiated the argument or prolonged it.

Really though, I think being in a relationship is about having a partner in this often times difficult world. We should not be each other’s enemies. It just also hurts knowing how stubborn CCBB can be. I really think he would let our disagreements drag out for days if necessary just so he can “win” in his head.

I wonder though if the way I like to simply let arguments blow over (after I have of course discussed how their behavior hurt me) makes him think I’m weak on some level?

But this isn’t a game to me although some people say love can be. I truly care about him.

And I want to continue dating him.

And it really is a conscious decision for me to stay and work at this. After all, I am frequently reminded that I have other options - other men who would want to date me - if I wanted. But the most basic point is I want CCBB. I want him. Despite this “relationshit” he makes me so happy.

You fill my heart.

People in my life comment on the sweet gentle smile that crosses my face when I speak of him. Those close to me can see how he makes me beam with happiness.

I just hope CCBB isn’t taking advantage of the fact that the last thing my true self wants to do is end this when he acts difficult. I also hope he understands that as much as I want him if I’m feeling like my precious heart is not being appreciated I want to flee out of fear. 

I really don’t want to leave him. Especially because while I see so much amazing potential between him and I for happiness and growth I know that if things do come to an end for us again that it will be for the final time. If he doesn’t respect me, my love, our love now - and make me feel like he does with his actions - than I will never be able to give him another chance to try to do that. It is so hard for me to open up and give my heart to someone.

But of course, no one is completely perfect and everyone you love will hurt you from time to time. But this can’t be a pattern. And he has to really love me too for it to be worth the struggle that relationships can be.

If you want me, I’m your country. If you win me, I’m forever.

I really want our relationship and to continue exploring ourselves together. I want to love and support him. But I also need that in return.

I’ll weather the storm for him, with him, as long as he truly means it when he says he loves me. And I know, weathering the storm together can be so worth it when the sun does come out and shines its heavenly rays on us. Or at  the times when I know our souls have the resiliency to even dance in the rain.

  

Cause you’re the storm I believe in….

“You’re the Storm.” The Cardigans. Long Gone Before Daylight. Stockholm Records, 2003.

We know we already won the sweepstakes prize

At my best friend’s wedding, someone asked my CCBB how he got a woman like me. Then he quickly added that he thinks CCBB won the lottery.

And it’s true. He really did. But so did I.

In finding each other we have gained so much. I truly feel that with him I have a second chance at love and life I really didn’t envision ever getting. When we were dancing together at the wedding reception, I felt so thankful that this is my life now. Previously, my life had felt so mapped out and new love and passion felt like they would forever exist beyond my grasp. It is with much relief though that I can now say my life is so beautiful right now. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky him and I are together to have so much joy and excitement between us.

Mojo who writes for the fabulous blog Show Lush  (along with Lush and others) wrote that sometimes people just come outta nowhere and blow you away.

And ain’t that the truth.

I so did not expect to find someone who inspires such lovely feelings in me where it was mutual and I felt secure in our bond for so much longer. Truth be told, I was unsure I would ever experience love like this. But here I am and this experience is so beautiful. I really am luckier than any lottery or sweepstakes winner because it really is true that money can’t buy love and money could never buy the amazing inspiration love can breathe into your life. 

I felt so amazed by CCBB and his entry into my life and the opportunities it represented when I first met him that in those first couple of weeks I recall writing a poem to summarize this feeling.

And this is what I wrote in that poem:

When I say I didn’t expect to feel this way

for much longer in a different time of my life

and you respond apolgetically,

I don’t think you are hearing the tones of wonder, of gratitude,

in my voice.

Because even though you have been a surprise.

I really am so glad you’re here now.

 And that fact, that I am so happy he is in my life, remains. And in all honesty, CCBB and our connection feel like such a precious gift sometimes I find it hard to write about because I’m too busy savoring him and maybe being a little selfish because I fear if I share the stories of just how incredibly lucky I feel that something will take it away from me for being too proud and excited.

But I do feel incredibly lucky to have him.

You remind me of a firework, boy.

He really amazes me. The way I feel about him takes my breath away. He tells me he loves everything about me and really the feeling is mutual. I could write a million reasons already why I love him. And although I don’t want to encourage his difficult moods even they can be endearing (as long as they are used sparingly) because they make me feel like him and I are two of a kind as I too can be a bit difficult.

I ask you if you ever think that maybe it’s what’s inside of us that drives us crazy. Fingers feeling underneath your skin. There’s blood and bones and some rivers to fall in.

He’s so delicious to me. It sounds crazy but at times, I feel I want to bathe in his essence. And crazier still, his essence - his soul - really does feel tangible to me in that sort of way. As if I really could bathe myself in him. I cannot really explain this feeling except to say that I know he and I have a spiritual connection which is the sort of connection that makes you feel as if you really are cut from the same cloth.

Just last night, I was thinking about how much I care for him and I felt compelled to write beautiful words about him. And truth be told, I never usually experience inspiration to write poetry when my soul feels truly pleased and blessed. My poetry normally only comes when I feel wounded or at times, lusty or even at other times an erotic vulnerability. But because of my quixotic feelings for CCBB the poetry flooded from me onto the pages.

But I must admit, my love poetry for him makes me feel so nervous because if things should end between him and I then I would still have documentation of how amazing he makes me feel and that would make losing him even more devastating. I know I shouldn’t think like this but it’s hard now that I know how love can end. Knowing how impermanent all this happiness can be still makes me feel scared but “More Adventurous” Krystal is not shying away.

Finding love can make you feel so incredibly lucky but in a way, using words such as “luck” hints to a notion that deep down it isn’t really yours to have and to hold.

So, I’m grabbing this love and claiming it as my own because really, I didn’t simply win it, I deserve it. We both deserve it.

We all deserve a love like this.

“Sweepstakes Prize.” Mirah. You Think It’s Like This, But It’s Really Like This. K Records, 2000.